The Hollow Man
Do you ever feel like something is missing inside of you? Perhaps it is more like you just aren’t complete.
Like you are hollow.
I joined the Navy before I ever left High School. It was the tail end of the Vietnam War. (It was a war by the way, not a conflict.) I joined the military which at the time was not that popular of an idea. I went through my boot camp training and then got trained in my specialty. When I got to my permanent duty station, Norfolk, Virginia the saying in Norfolk was “Sailors and Dogs keep off the grass.” Seems like the only war that I would see would be the one here in America between an ungrateful nation and the veterans who served their country. I served my time, even got out for a short stint to start college and then went back in again.
But I never saw combat. I never faced life and death situations or took someone else’s life in my hands.
After Grenada, and especially after the first Gulf War, being in the military or being a veteran became a ‘Good’ thing. People would thank me for my service. But truth be told, I never ‘served’ in the capacity that they thank me for. I enlisted, I got an education. I grew up. I was never in the position where Uncle Sam had to take that blank check I wrote with my life and think about cashing it in. When I see other veterans, I see in their faces the memories of combat and the horrific situations they faced. You see it, because many of them will not talk about it. But there is something about them, their manner, the look in their eyes that is different from you and I.
I feel untested.
Along the way in my life, I met the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I got to marry her and now thirty seven years later, she is even more beautiful than the first time I saw her at Mike Buie’s trailer in March of 1979 and she came with three children.
Having come from a family with a step-father I knew what kind of step-father I didn’t want to be. And I set about being the best father I could. I made mistakes, lots of them. But none of them so bad that we can’t all sit back and laugh about them today. Like I’ve told you before, Cindy and I were ‘all-in’ from day one. I did my best to be a good father, a good provider and a good mentor for them. Those three have turned out to be good people. They are all three different, each one with his or her own flaws but they also have equally beautiful parts too. Don’t ask me for specifics, you’ll just have to take my word for it . . .
A little further down life’s path we ended up ’adopting’ a nephew when he was three months old and raising him. His path has wandered pretty far away from the norm. Hopefully, God will bring him back to have a happy life.
So there you have it, I have raised four children in my life. Cindy and I were never able to have children together.
So like being untested, I feel incomplete as a step-father because I do not have that blood to blood relationship with my children. They will be quick to point out how good of a step-dad I was (they won’t use the ‘step’ part though.) but it’s true. I am not a ‘father’ in the true sense of the word. And like the veterans who saw combat, there is something about a real parent who shares that bond with their child that is different from me. If someone were to ever threaten their child,that parent would be quick to say, “Over my dead body.” I am pretty sure you could take it to the bank. You are about to see some blood.
I heard it in a friend’s voice today in the pew behind me, as Brother Eddie spoke about Sanctity of Life Sunday and the miracle of Life being displayed by Baby Eli. I heard the terrible meaning of ‘abortion’ in that friend’s voice. I heard it in a tone that I think only a true parent can voice.
Where am I going with this?
To tell you the truth, I am not sure, but God is helping me to write it. The words are flowing out of me, so I am sure it is important if not to you, then to me.
A few years ago, God brought me and my family to Highland Park Baptist Church in Lenoir City. I have learned so much about God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit since I first came. And I have so much more to learn. While I have grown as a ‘Christian in Training’ recently, I feel sometimes like I have stalled and cannot not make any more progress. Once again, I feel like something is missing.
I feel . . .hollow.
Yesterday, when I went to the Men’s Breakfast and again today when I went to Morning Worship I felt a less hollow afterwards. It’s like when you go to a restaurant, you go because you either know or believe that the food there will be good.
I continue to go to Highland Park Baptist Church because the word is food and it satisfies my soul. The loving spirit that resides in that church is like the cooling waters of a mountain stream. It washes over me and those feelings of being hollow and unfilled are lessened. God has shown me the importance of surrounding yourself with good people, in this case, good Christians. Because they reflect the light of Christ.
Hebrews 10:24-25 (NLT) says;
Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.
If I will only abide by this scripture and live with the word of God as my bread and water, I will no longer feel hollow.
I will be filled.