Darlene
Back in 1980 both my brother and sister were witnessing to me. I felt I was already a Christian. I couldn’t understand why they were telling me I was not going to heaven.
The last time I visited my sister she told me she was in counseling and taking Prozac for depression because of marital problems.
The very next day I got the news that she had taken her own life! I was devastated! I felt so guilty. I felt I should have known she was suicidal. Maybe I could have done something to prevent it. No one could console me. I would have panic attacks whenever I saw a car that looked like hers or if I got near the road she lived on. I wanted to blame someone. There are many stages of grief. At first I felt sorry for her. Then I got mad at her. I wasn’t worth being around. My poor daughters, ages 8 and 9 at the time, didn’t know how to act. I cried at the drop of a hat.
I drove everybody nuts. At 5:00 every day I would sit on the floor with my head in my husband’s lap. After 2 weeks, I said to him, “What is wrong with me?” He said, “Your sister called you at 5:00 every day and you talked to her while you both made dinner.” Wow! understanding that helped a lot. But I was so confused about so many things. I had studied with the Mormons, the Jehovah Witnesses and even visited a Catholic church. How could I think I was a Christian and still be searching like that? I asked my sister’s pastor, “Where is she now?” He was struggling himself because he had been counseling her and he felt like he had failed miserably. I wondered if I would ever see her again. I thought killing was one of the worst sins. The Jehovah’s Witnesses told me she took all her problems with her. Another Pastor told me that was a very selfish thing she did. I was so confused. For several months I would go up to complete strangers and ask them, “Do you believe in heaven?” and “Do you believe in hell?” one day while waiting in a line at the bank I tapped on a man’s shoulder and asked him if he believed in hell. He said, “Why, do you plan on going there?” l jumped back and said “NO”.
He said a lot of things. Turns out he was a Pastor. After answering my questions he said, “But don’t take my word for it, read the Bible.”
I started visiting a church my brother told me about. I had been attending for about 6 months. I was still a mess. I used to visit my brother once a week. One day when I was there he told me he couldn’t help me but he knew someone who could. Then he told me he had invited the pastor over to talk to me. I was offended. But I stayed and talked to the pastor when he got there. He asked me, “If you were to die today and stand before God and He asked you “Why should l let you into my heaven?” “What would you say?” I gave the standard answer, “I’ve been good, I would never hurt anyone on purpose.”
Then the Pastor showed me in the Bible how to truly have salvation through grace and that it was a free gift. The Pastor said (A) if I believed Jesus is God’s son, was crucified, dead and buried as a penalty for my sin, (B) believed God raised Him from the dead and He is now in heaven with God the Father, and (C) if I admitted I was a sinner, confessed my sin and asked Jesus to forgive me, and asked Him to come into my heart, He would and I’d be saved.” That’s exactly what I did that day! I felt like a million pounds were taken off my shoulders. I had been trying to work my way to heaven. lt was such a relief to not have to always try to be perfect. Now I know only God is perfect. I also know I will see my sister again someday.
I am basically shy. I took Evangelism Explosion classes but it has always been very hard for me to witness. God showed me another way for me to share my faith. Now I share my faith with puppets. I also bake and decorate special cakes and cookies and attach Bible verses to them and give them out to perfect strangers around Loudon and Lenoir city. I also make balloon animals and attach Bible verses to them to hand out to people. I thank God for showing me a different way to share my faith.